Not How I Expected It
by zipple
Summary: Harry's life through James's eyes. Suggestions completely encouraged on this story.


Existence for James Potter went by rather slowly after his death. Or rather it sped along without so much as a 'never you mind.' It was impossible to tell. The freefall he was in seemed to want to travel everywhere; up, down, sideways, backwards, forwards- nowhere he went changed. The space he was in was pale and cloudy, as if he were on the inside of an endless crystal ball. After a while, for no other reason than boredom, he let himself float aimlessly. Lily drifted towards him by chance, her eyes fluttering open. They bumped, neither bothering to grab at the other, but they stayed close.

"You didn't escape," James said in a matter of fact way that had no particular emotion to it.

"No," Lily replied wistfully.

"Then Harry must be here somewhere." James looked around. All said and told, death wasn't such a terrible thing after all. Now that it finally happed, he did not feel at all concerned that his wife and child were dead.

"No," Lily said. She began to drift away. "He's alive. He's hurt, but he's fallen asleep. I can smell Hagrid. He must be with Harry."

James floated back towards Lily. "How do you know that?"

"I sense him," Lily said as if it were the most logical thing in the world. "They're flying. Hagrid should have bundled him up better," she added as an afterthought.

"Where is Hagrid flying him off to?"

"I don't know."

They fell into silence for 10 years. James knew that time was teasing him just by the way it seemed to abandon him completely. Then again, he had no way of marking off its progression.

The years went by uneventfully. James spent a good deal of time wondering about Living. Did Dumbledore find a way to get rid of Voldemort? How much torture had it taken for Wormtail to give up their secret hideout in Godric's Hollow? He found it hard to blame Peter Pettigrew. After all, he never would have given up that sort of information voluntarily.

He wondered about Harry. By now, Sirius had to be spoiling him rotten. He imagined the pair of them, playing hours of games and chasing each other around. Harry would, of course, become an Animagus by his second year, and make Quidditch Captain by his fourth. He'd be taught by Dumbledore, Slughorn, and McGonagall. With James's charm, good looks and endless bank account, Harry would be the most popular and carefree child at Hogwarts.

Lily looked at him whenever James thought this way and shook her head sadly. "He's miserable," she said. "Can't you feel it?"

There were times, James would admit, where he felt a small voice calling for him. At first, it was no more coherent than a baby's cry. Over the years it developed into a child's plaintive sniffle, then into a silent yearning that only increased in strength. Sometimes he would feel a ghost of an emotion- never a happy one- and though Lily felt it more, James knew that it was Harry. But he refused to believe that this was because Harry was really suffering. Every kid occasionally fell and skinned their knees, or threw temper tantrums, or simply had a bad day. Maybe Sirius finally settled down and had children. Siblings fought.

Lily shook her head again. This was different.

James cocked his head at his wife, and then shook off the unexpected twinge at the base of his spine. Lily floated off, separating them for the first time it what must have been ages. This time, however, her floating wasn't just a mere drift, but purposeful in its direction.

Curious, James gravitated toward her, but she ignored him completely as she halted gently in midair then made contact with the ground with one foot, and then the other. The haze parted around her ankles, settling as she stood up-right, facing away from her husband.

For the first time in a long while, James felt confused, the haze drifting out into his vision.

"Lily?" he said, the question hung expectantly.

"Quiet," she murmured, her voice catching in a way that James vaguely recognized. She stood, solitary and motionless. "Come," she urged. He followed, pushing outwards and down, landing on his feet with ill grace. He looked over at Lily questioningly, who paid no attention to James whatsoever. Her eyes were focused far away, even through the mist. "My poor baby," she whispered breathlessly.

"What's going on?" James asked.

Lily turned her head slowly to James; however, she did so reluctantly. "Can't you see him?

James looked in the direction that Lily had been, but saw nothing but smoke. He shook his head sadly. If they hadn't been dead, he could have sworn that Lily had gone around the twist.

Lily sighed then dropped her arm, grazing James's hand briefly with her own.

A great jolt passed along James body and the mist dissipated away. For the first time in 10 years, the world became clear again. Not that there was much to see; the room that they were in seemed to have not been used for quite some time. He vaguely recognized that the room was a Hogwarts classroom, the founders' crest marked over the door as always. The desks were stashed away along the far wall, collecting dust.

"See there?" Lily said, pointing.

James followed her finger, which remained fixed at the door, but saw nothing. Another moment later, his eyes went wide as he saw the scuffle of worn trainers and a skinny ankle popping out from midair.

"It's-" James muttered.

Lily shushed him as the ankle disappeared, but now that James was paying attention, he noticed the dust was being kicked up from the ground. Subconsciously, he held his breath even though there was no breath the hold. Suddenly, he caught a glimpse as the mysterious figure caught just the right angle, making himself fully visible to both James and Lily. James was just only able to notice the small stature of a 1st year boy shrouded in a bundle of see-through cloth, skinny as a pole with spectacles and untidy black hair. However, the 1st year disappeared again as soon as he walked out of the right angle.

"He didn't-" he said, utterly amazed that the boy had not yet looked in their direction.

"He did," Lily replied, a smile in her voice. At that very moment, James saw the tracks of the invisible figure stop, and then head towards them.

Then, ever so slowly, Lily raised her hand and waived.

James watched as the tracks moved closer, and then hit the right angle again to allow James to view him again. The boy was small and pale, looking much younger than 11. His clothes were far too big for his frame and he looked as if he had just calmed down from a right panic, as if he had been chased into the room. Wide-eyed and confused, the boy clapped his hands over his mouth and turned away.

James moved a hand forward to lay his hand on the child's shoulder to urge him back around, but hit an invisible barrier.

He lowered his hand slowly. "Do you think he can see us?" he asked, not bothering to turn toward his wife.

Lily hummed in agreement. "I think so," she murmured. "He must be so confused. Look at him! He looks half-starved!"

James shook his head. "My family has always been thin, Lil."

"He's skin and bones."

"But Sirius would never-"

They fell silent as the boy turned around again, ever so slowly.

Lily seemed to have forgotten about the argument completely, smiling broadly and waving again. The boy's eyes grew wider, as if he couldn't quite believe the image of Lily waving at him so warmly. Never removing his eyes from them, the boy reached back with one arm, feeling the air. When he met with nothing, he moved closer timidly, like a mouse being fed a bit of bread but not quite trusting the source.

Lily sniffled wetly, and James wrapped an arm around her waist, holding her steady.

The boy moved closer, seemingly deciding that the oddity of the situation was worth more in curiosity than in caution. He was close enough, in fact, that if it weren't for the invisible barrier, James would be able to reach out and ruffle the untidy mess of hair.

'Mum?' he mouthed, looking at Lily. He turned towards James. 'Dad?'

James nodded, and the boy pressed his hands against the barrier, a hungry gleam in his eye as James reached out a hand and pressed it against his.

His son, Harry.

James could not stop looking at his son; with his knobby knees, glasses that were far too big for his face, brilliant green eyes and much narrower nose than James's own. Skinny and stricken, Harry looked down at his hand pressing against James's, the noted look of longing spread across his face as if he, too, wished that there wasn't a barrier.

They stood there for a while, simply gazing at each other. And then, all too quickly, time sped up unbearably fast and Harry flinched away, looking towards the door as if he had heard a sudden noise. His previous sense of panic set in again and he turned back to Lily and James with an apologetic look.

'I'll come back,' he mouthed, and moved out of angle. James pressed as hard as he could against the barrier and was only able to make out the disruption of the dust made by Harry's trainers.

"I told you he was miserable," Lily said. She was off somewhere else, no longer by James's side but away, back into the mist. James backed away from the barrier, watching as the portal to Harry's world disappeared into the mist that had surrounded it. "Don't worry," she said, a gentle but sad smile eased across her face as she floated away again. "He'll be back."

-----

James didn't want to say anything after that. At times, Lily would float past him, no trace of emotion on her face as she cocked her head at him and said "Be patient" as if she could read his mind. He felt listless, never straying too far from where he had seen his son for the first time since infancy. In vain, he tried nonchalantly feeling for the barrier, but met with no success. For the first time in many years, James felt a nervous itch in his midsection. What if Harry couldn't find them again? What if the mist never separated? He hadn't been concerned about the mist before, but now the endless possibilities seemed to loom over him. Where was Harry?

Lily sensed the unrest in him, staying close to him. "He said he'd come back, James."

James nodded dully, hovering.

Finally, Lily gave up and waited alongside him.

The wait seemed interminable. It moved along in inches, purposely ticking by in scorn of their deaths. It was bad enough that he was dead. Did time have to punish him by making him wait so long to see his son?

"Hush!" Lily hissed, touching James's arm absently. James turned toward Lily but she did not seem to be speaking to him.

"I didn't say anything," James protested, feeling horribly as if he'd been caught thinking something nasty.

"Not you," Lily said. She tiled her head, as if staining to hear. "Someone's with him, telling him to go back." Lily gave an irritable twitch.

James wanted to ask more questions, but before he could dwell on the matter, the mist parted, to reveal the room once more.

Harry burst through the door, immediately visible as he threw the invisibility cloak to the ground and drew up close to the mirror. He put his hands on the barrier and James beamed, pressing his hand on the other side from Harry's. A smile broke across Harry's face, as if he couldn't quite believe his good fortune to have found them again. James honestly couldn't remember a time where he had felt so much relief and unadulterated joy. Distracted, he didn't even register that there was someone else in the room.

'See?' Harry mouthed, still looking up eagerly at them in turns, his nose pressing against the barrier. He then turned away, drawn to something behind him. In a flurry of motion, Harry stepped away, and James only caught the image of a tall 1st year with shocking red hair before the mist shut him and Lily away.

"Hey!" James gasped before he could stop himself. Frantically, he pressed his hands against the barrier, which had not dissipated into the mist as it did before. Then, as suddenly as it had come, the mist parted again, but he watched in horror as he saw Harry pushing the other 1st year away from their vision, getting a heavy shove in return.

James yelled for Harry to stop, completely forgetting about Lily and what she might think as he pressed his hands against the barrier- even pounded it with his fist.

It wasn't James that stopped them, although it wasn't for the lack of trying. Both boys stood stock-still, their hair mucked and cheeks flushed as they strained their ears. The other 1st year boy quickly grabbed the invisibility cloak, but instead of making off with it like James expected, the redhead thrust it over both himself and Harry.

James watched in great interest as a cat, skeletal with lamp-like yellow eyes, came into the room. She bristled hotly, scanning the room with an air of intelligence and malice that James vaguely remembered associating with Filch back in the day. It sniffed the air, as if it knew the particularly sweet scent of mischief but did not come closer to Harry and the red-head under the invisibility cloak.

The redhead shuddered but Harry kept stealing glances toward Lily and James.

"Come on, come on," James said, urging the cat to go- urging Harry to get back to them. "She can't see you. Come back," James prompted.

The skeletal cat took a step forward, looking for all the world that it wanted to investigate the issue further. Then she gave a visible huff, turned and stocked off.

Both Harry and the other 1st year let out sighs of relief. Harry made a move to throw off the cloak again and get back to barrier.

The redhead grabbed him by the arm and said something too quickly for James to make out. With a long look of reluctance, Harry gazed at them with a pained expression. The redhead took a firm grip on his arm and pulled several times before Harry allowed himself to be rooted from the spot.

'I'll come back tomorrow,' he mouthed frantically as he was dragged out the door.

"No!" James shouted and then winced. He did not mean to stay it so suddenly, so loudly. "That wasn't enough time! Come back!"

"He can't hear you," Lily said.

James turned toward his wife as the mist enveloped the barrier again. He thrust his hand forward, searching, but the barrier had completely disappeared. "Who was that?" he said, feeling something hard and tight coil in his stomach.

"I think it was his friend."

"Friend? _Friend?_" James repeated. "What kind of friend-"

"Oh, James, they're only boys. You're just mad because it was cut short."

"If that redheaded 'friend' of his hadn't given such a ruckus-"

Lily sighed and floated off again, shaking her head sadly. "Harry said he'd be back. Don't worry. He found us once, he can find us again."

James stayed rooted where he was. The floor existed as long as he stayed stationary, he found, and he had no intention of floating wayward again. Never.

-----

It could not be said that James wasn't a patient man. Or rather, he thought so. Lily had spent a lot of their time before she had agreed to marry him- and even through the engagement- that patience was not on his list of talents. He had impulse, confidence and a great deal of luck, but not patience. He never had any patience for homework, romance, and boredom. Patience was easily the disguise of stubbornness, as he found; especially since now he felt he could stay were he was forever, waiting for Harry.

Lily kept her distance, not willing to try to persuade James from his spot. Harry would come in time; she felt the yearning that alternately excited and infuriated her son, trying to be patient and wait until the halls were dark and deserted before daring to see them again.

She tried to convince James of this, the echo ringing so violently in her head that it was as if a giant bell had been sounded over her head. This time, James's own connection with Harry was not difficult to find. A flood of memory bore down on James along with the excited murmurs of Harry's mind. Lily's growing belly, Harry's rocky birth, the large green eyes that peeped out when Harry first looked out into the world, the first yawn, the tuft of hair that grew increasingly unmanageable. The first step, the first jubilant laugh, that first ride on the toy broomstick-

"James," Lily said, breaking him from his thoughts. "It's time."

This time, James did not wait for Lily to touch him. As eager as he was to see Harry, he focused his thoughts on making the mist part. With surprising ease, the mist lifted away and the first sight in James's line of vision was Harry, scruffy and skinny as ever, tossing the valuable invisibility cloak aside and sprinting to the barrier. As neat as you please, he sat down smiled up at them, panting from excitement and exertion.

James smiled, barely aware that Lily had just come forward. He sat down quickly and leaned forward, pressing his hand against the barrier as Harry did the same. Lily sank down beside them, drawing her hand and pressing it against the barrier as well. Harry placed his other hand opposite Lily's and breathed a great sigh of relief.

"James-" Lily whispered. "Do you trust me?"

James nodded, not bothering to look away from Harry. It did not matter, anyway. Along his side, Lily fumbled for his hand. Having found it, she locked their palms together.

Almost instantaneously, a great thrumming came over them. James's body pulsed with a pleasant heat, absorbing him completely. Harry, somehow, through the barrier, felt it as well. His eyes glazed over for a moment, but only a moment, then slid back into focus. His grin and happiness flowed over James in waves. It was simple but overwhelming. James wished the moment would never end, and he almost could have sworn that blood had started to pump once again in his veins.

And then, Harry jerked his hand back and looked over his shoulder.

The thrumming stopped so suddenly that James rocked forward, not ready to drop the connection just yet. James's face fell. No one had come in with Harry and that cat had not returned. What could possibly have caused-

Albus Dumbledore was sitting on a desk along the wall, smiling.

James felt his stomach turn to ice. He drank in Harry's image greedily, taking very seriously the panic in Harry's thoughts that this could be the end of their late-night meetings.

Demanding Harry to leave right out was not Dumbledore's way, but he recognized very quickly the look of coercion that his old headmaster had adopted. Instead, the old wizard lifted the hem of his evening robes and sat beside Harry, gazing through the barrier.

"Excuse me," said a voice from behind them. "May I sit here with you?"

James looked away from Harry, who was momentarily distracted by Dumbledore. A girl stood between them. She was young, if not younger than Harry's age. Her mouth was drawn in the shape of a Christmas bow, and just as red, offsetting her brilliant blue eyes and her auburn hair.

Looking over questioningly at Lily, he scooted over, allowing the girl to neatly arrange her dress as she sat between them.

"Who are you?" he finally said, checking back quickly to glimpse at Harry who was getting to his feet.

"Oh!" the girl said, "where are my manners!" She extended her hand to James, and then to Lily. "My name is Ariana."

James knitted his eyes in confusion. He did not recognize the name or the girl. "I'm sorry?" he said.

"He's my brother!" she replied, waving a vague hand toward Harry and Dumbledore.

"Oh!" Lily said in a gasp of surprise.

James grinned. "Then Sirius did settle down and-"

Ariana gave them a puzzled look. "What? I-"Ariana never had a chance to finish her sentence.

Lily pulled James to his feet just as Harry got up onto his own skinny legs, brushing the dust off his pajamas. Dumbledore placed an arm around Harry's shoulders, steering him away from the barrier.

"HEY!" James called, but it was too late. Harry shot a sad glance over his shoulder, but made no promises to come back.

When the mist descended, Ariana was gone.


End file.
